Right after we got there I was holding Lenka and doing the "Bumblebee" game wiht Alyssa. I buzzed Alyssa and then buzzed Lenka. Then Alyssa did it and buzzed Lenka's little toes . . . it was too stinkin' cute! I totally realized right then and there what an amazing big sister she would make. She has such a huge heart and she's really one of the sweetest kids I know. Even though she's only 19 months old she really seems to be able to express empathy and thoughtfulness (unless you happen to have 4 legs . . . then it kind of depends on the day). I think she has the potential to be a loving, patient, protective, and understanding big sister and who am I to not give her that?
Baby #2 has been a hot topic for discussion and contemplation around our house over the past few weeks. For as long as I can remember I've wanted 3 (maybe 4) kids and I've never thought twice about that plan. Until it comes time for baby #2. In essance, I am an only child. I have a half brother and half sister, but we've never let that "half" word be an issue with us. I honestly believe that Mark and Joni see me as as much of a sibling as they do each other (truth be told, I think Mark probably likes me better than Joni, but that's another story). But when you get down to it, once our dad passes away, a huge link in our relationship disappears. They'll have their own familes and their mom, but I don't really belong there. Once my mom is gone, I'll be alone. I'll have Adam and Alyssa and any other kids we decide to have, but in a sense I will be alone and I never want to do that to Alyssa. I want her to always have family to turn to and to support and love no matter what. But I'm scared. We have a good routine, her and I. We are each other's entire world pretty much and what happens when we add a third to the mix? Will she feel betrayed? Will she understand that adding another family member means more love for her instead of having to share and compete for Adam and my affections? I'm scare of losing time with her. Of forcing her to rely more on Adam and less on me because I'll have someone else to take care of. I know that once we bring another child into the family things will never be the same. And I know in my head that things will be better that it will be a good step and the right step, but in my heart I can't imagine changing things. It hurts to think about her having to share me and me having to divide myself between two little blessings.
Lately I've started feeling fearful of getting pregnant with twins . . . I won't even go there . . . that's another entry for another day.
2 comments:
Big hugs. I will tell you that our family felt very complete once we added David.
Lenka has a look of "Get this kid off me!"
I'm sorry you don't feel like my family is your family too. :( Perhaps it's because there's no girls to talk to.
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