Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What a weirdo

So, I get frustrated when Alyssa won't let me get anything accomplished during the day, but now I'm starting to wonder if I really have anything to accomplish. She's been sleeping for an hour and 15 minutes here's a list of what I've done.

1. Sorted laundry
2. Put a load of laundry into the washer
3. Made breakfast
4. Spent waaay more time than I needed to roaming around on the internet.

So, do I really not having anything to do, or is the key that I have nothing I WANT to do. Or do I subconsciouly know that as soon as I start doing anything remotely important she'll wake up? (Although I figured she would wake up while I was blogging, so that possibly ruins that theory)

I could take a shower.

I could go back to bed.

I could make a cleaning schedule/list of things to do this week.

I could check my e-mail again . . . ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.

I'm so lame. I'll check my e-mail one more time and then go do some more laundry. Hearing Eric talk about Newlyweds last night made me want to plop down and watch it again, so I'm actually looking forward to having some laundry to fold. Novel idea ~ pop in the DVD and climb on the elliptical machine . . . naw, Alyssa'll probably wake up within 10 minutes. ;)

Monday, May 30, 2005

Sleep Log

I'm going to attempt to start a "sleep log blog" to help keep track of Alyssa's sleep patterns . . . part of the ongoing sleep training process. I don't know if anyone will ever actually end up reading my blog, and if anyone who would read it would care at all about the details of how Alyssa is sleeping, but maybe there is someone out there that is just that bored. Someone like her Daddy at work! *wink*


Some people have evil stepmothers, I have an evil mother in law

I'm going to try to avoid slamming my mil too often on my blog, but today was such a trying day, that I just need to get some things out. And I don't want to dump everything on Adam because I feel so bad ragging on his mom all the time (although he does agree with me most of the time).

Now keep in mind that her mom and brother are here from PA, so she always puts tons and tons and tons of pressure on herself to make sure everything is perfect when they are here, so that in turn makes her really bitchy to the rest of the family. I hate that she makes comments like she knows Alyssa so well, when she actually doesn't. And then I hate the fact that she doesn't know Alyssa that well. She doesn't make the effort and I'm tired of making the effort only to get shot down. It takes a lot for me to get up the courage to try to include her in our lives, which is what she is always saying that she wants, and then I just get blown off. Example ~ she was really ticked off when I planned Alyssa's baptism without confirming that the date was okay with them and keeping her in the loop of what was happening. I would have treated my own parents the same way I was treating her if the baptism hadn't been in their church and the dinner afterwards at their house ~ I figured since I was taking advantage of them like that, they deserved to be a little more "in" with the planning.

So, today I get up the nerve to say that I'm planning Alyssa first birthday for the Saturday after her birthday and want to make sure that that'll work for them. She freaking LAUGHS at me and says that she doesn't even know what she's doing next week. Its not really up for discussion, I just wanted to make sure that they don't have something already going on. And I wanted to scream that its all her fault that I have to sacrifice the fact that I really want to have her birthday party ON her actual birthday because she won't reschedule her tutoring. She's the only one that wouldn't be able to make it on the actual day, so I'm working around her and she should be greatful. And with the "I don't know what I'm doing next week" comment, does that mean that I should wait until a couple weeks before Alyssa's birthday and check back with her and ask her when would be good for her? There are a lot more people involved her than just her and other people are already having things come up. We already have things coming up. Its a busy time of year. I was trying . . . I don't know why I try. I wish I could just blow her off.

I took Alyssa's scrapbook over so that I could show Grandma (figured that she might like to see how Alyssa has been growing since she's only seen her once before) and I knew that my mil would probably be upset because there aren't many pictures of that her side of the family. Not that there are many pictures of my side of the family ~ just pictures of Alyssa with my nieces who are her only cousins. But she actually confronted me and wanted to know why I hadn't bothered to put pictures of her family in there. I was trying to explain that I don't have a lot of pictures, so I'm waiting to get more pictures so that I can do more pages, but it was like she just said her piece and then shut down with no regard to what I was saying. I feel like she does that a lot. She tells me what is ticking her off, but then she doesn't want to talk about it or try to resolve it or even listen to my side of the situation . . . she just wants to keep telling me over and over and over again why I piss her off, why I'm a lousy daughter in law, why life has pissed in her cheerios every morning for the past 30 years and I'm tired of it!

Lucky Wife

I've been on quite the creative streak this weekend between trying to make/finish a dress for Alyssa and trying to get her scrapbook caught up to share with the family today. Both projects have caused some frustration and Adam has been a great help, which makes me feel really lucky. I don't know of a whole lot of guys who would plop down on the floor with their wife to pour over a pattern to figure out why their daughter's diaper cover has a crotch about 1 inch wide. (BTW, the crotch was NOT supposed to be 1 inch wide) And he ended up solving it for me! He also took time out of his weekend to work on turning the dress straps inside out for me when I didn't have the patience to do it. Okay, he did get to use a screwdriver and needlenosed pliers to do this one, so maybe that is kind of a guy thing. He's great at giving imput on my scrapbook pages, too. I usually don't end up taking his advice *wink*, but I appreciate that he cares about the things that I'm doing enough to get involved.

I think I married the right boy out of the family . . . I can't imagine Ben or Chris being as doting a husband when it comes to girly past times. Guess I just lucked out.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Was Emma Clueless?

Cheese and Rice ~ three blogs in one day?! What's the world coming to . . .

I finished watching "Emma" (based on the Jane Austen novel) yesterday on EOD. I had forgotten until halfway through that Julia told me that the movie "Clueless" was based on "Emma" (the book, though, I think, not the movie). From then on out, I found the movie much more interesting as I tried to find commonalities among the two . . . kind of fun!

A true Mama Musing

I wonder if I'm the only mom out there who finds the thought crossing her mind "I wonder what a sleeping pill and or alcohol would do to a 7 1/2 month old". Not that I would EVER do that, but DAMN! some nights you just feel at your wits end. I need to figure out a mantra to chant those times when I feel like I just want to bash my head against the wall because its waaay past Alyssa's bedtime and she's showing no signs whatsoever of being even the remotest bit tired. Or those times when she's up for the 7th time that night and its still only 1 AM and she's showing no sign of being tired no matter how long I rock . . . meanwhile, I'm easily dozing with all the rocking ~ what's up with that?!

Its so funny how my mind tricks me into think that maybe I did something just a little bit different tonight and that's going to put her back on her good sleeping path. I would give anything to get the 8 PM - 4/4:30 AM back again. Tonight I left her ceiling fan on . . . I'm convinced tonight that that's the key to her sleeping long stretches of time . . . the ceiling fan, that's gotta be it, right? I wonder if she'll make it until midnight without waking up . . .

*secretly hopes and prays that it really is teething that's making her such a bear at night and not just the fact that its going to take another 6 months to sleep through the night*

*wonders what the record is for the oldest infant to not sleep through the night*

Realization at church

I went to church tonight with Angie so that we could check out the 5:30 service. I really didn't want to go; I've been in such a "mood" all day that all I wanted to do was stay in my pjs and a shower was the last thing on my to do list. But since I've been having such a difficult week, I thought it might help to get away for an hour and leave my worries and cares at the door.

And help it did. Pastor G gave a really good sermon that really got me thinking . . . and in my thinking process I made a realization. It seems simple when I explain it, but I think its been at the root of what has been bothering me for quite a while. I'm jealous of other people. I envy them; to quote the ten commandments "I covet" my friends lives and possessions ~ or at least part of them. I'm jealous that Brad and Julia have this beautiful house that they have painted and furnished with all sorts of new furniture. I'm jealous that their house is sophisticated and grown up. I'm jealous (man, I should really use the thesaurus and figure out a different word for jealous) that they were about to just take off for the weekend and go to Chicago on a spur of the moment trip. I'm jealous that Eric and Angie are going to Vegas next week. I'm jealous that they eat out all the time and never seem to give their checking account a second thought. But instead of thinking of what other people have that I want, I should think of what I have.

I have, and have had for almost 4 years, a house that I do love.
I have a brand new super cool car with a sun roof!
I have a beautiful, adorable, smart, baby girl.
I get to stay home every day all day (sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse) with said baby girl.
I have a husband that makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful and special.
I have said husband for 24x7 techincal support when I need it (and let's face it ~ I need it a lot)

Sure, I wish I had a jacuzzi tub in my bathroom, tile floors, granite countertops, and double sinks in my master bathroom, but I'm only 25 years old. I have a long life ahead of me and I don't need my dream home right this minute.

Sure, I wish that we could have gone to Lake Tahoe for Adam's birthday and I really, really would love to go to TN with the gang, but right now its just not possible. But in the end, I would give up 5 days vacationing for my dream job of staying at home with my baby girl . . . no place on earth would be worth giving that up. And we'll probably never be able to take spur of the moment trips again (or at least not for another 25 years or so), but we will get to travel and vacation and sightsee and have adventures. And maybe if we have to "work" for it a little harder than other people we'll appreciate it that much more. Alyssa and I went shopping for night stands and a trunk/chest for the bedroom yesterday. It gets to me sometimes that I'm currently using a TV tray for my night stand and Adam is using an end table that belonged to my grandmother for his. As I stood there looking at the pieces of furniture that were "okay", but nothing I couldn't live without ~ and nothing that matched our current furniture, I realized that I didn't need to spend the $1,000 they would cost then. I would rather wait a few years and buy an entirely new bedroom set, that all matches, that reflects both Adam and I, that is ours . . . and that is grown up and sophisticated and fits perfectly into the home of my dreams.

But I can wait for everything . . . and while I wait, I will treasure the things that life has blessed me with and find joy in my every day life.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Am I worth it?

We had a bad night last night; who am I kidding, almost every night is a bad night. How did a go from having a sweet little angel who slept 8 hours straight at 2 months old to having this sweet little terror that rarely sleeps more than 3 hours straight?! I know its probably teething, but for pete's sake, pop through already you little buggers! The thing that frustrates me the most is that the bad nights make for bad mornings ~ at least the first part . . .let me explain.

This morning I got up at 6:45 after listening to her cry off and on for at least 30 minutes. This is after approximately 4 hours total of sleep, that's total, not even straight through. So, I'm in a horrible mood. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I feel like I'm walking through a fog. Adam took Alyssa for a few minutes before getting ready for work, which gave me time to pick up and do something around the house, which helped clear my head so that I could be a "good mommy". But as I was picking up I started wondering if I'm cut out for this stay at home mom business. Maybe I'm one of those people that needs to work outside the home. All my life I dreamed of being a sahm and I just assumed that I would be cut out for it, but I started thinking today that maybe I'm not.

I called my mom after fighting with the POS sewing machine that we "share". I knew that she would understand my sewing machine woes. She said something to me along the lines of I seemed to be searching for something more out of life. I have all these projects ~ sewing, painting, heck even scrapbooking that I take on almost as if I'm looking for something to give my life more purpose. Not that taking care of Alyssa isn't purpose ~ she's one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but I just don't feel a sense of accomplishment. She would grow and be raised whether I was around her 24 hours a day or not, wouldn't she?

Although I always pictured myself as the type of stay at home mom who sewed clothes, costumes, etc for my kids, baked cookies and cakes and made fantastic dinners, was always doing a little something to spruce up my house or working on various home decorating projects. So maybe its just me and not that I'm looking for something more out of life. But in this future I imagined having a house that I was proud of. And not that I don't love our house, I do, but there are definitely things that I would change. And I'm in the process of trying to make those changes, but those changes take money. So, part of me thinks that I should get a job to help fund my "dream" . . . Adam shouldn't have to pay for all the things I want to have a nicer home. He's provided a good home and everything Alyssa and I need, so why can't I be happy with that? Because I want more than good. I guess I'm just more materialistic that I want to admit.

I took a quiz the other day "which desperate housewife are you?". I was Lynette . . .but I feel much more like perfectionist Bree . . . as sad as it is, I would love to have her life. Not so much the gay son, the daughter that hates her, and the dead husband, but the beauty, grace, and admiration/amazement of those around her who just can't seem to get it together. Like Lynette. So maybe I'm just a Lynette longing to be a Bree. Things to ponder.