If I had to describe how I've been feeling lately, it would be melancholy. I've been feeling really "forgettable" lately and I'm struggling to figure out exactly where I belong and what my purpose is in life. I normally try not to have these posts on my blog, I try to keep these feelings inside and hidden, but I need an outlet this time.
I think this all started about the time we moved to the new house. I felt so helpless as I watched Adam log hour after hour after hour on the old house; like I should be doing something more to help, but a) its really hard to help when you factor Alyssa into the equation. I did go over any time I could get a babysitter, but I still don't feel like I did enough. b) I don't have enough faith in myself to believe that I could do things to help. I've been feeling so clumsy and awkward lately that I was afraid I would make things worse. I was so terrified that I was going to start painting the bedroom and knock an entire gallon of paint over on the floor. Or I would ruin the toilet seat by leaving a bottle of windex on it that evidently had a leak (wait! I did do that! Let's hope someone is just looking for a new house that has a weird blue ring on the toilet seat).
Then a few weeks ago Alyssa and I went to my parents and all I heard all weekend was my mom calling her friends to say "Alyssa's here, come on over!” What about me? I hate the fact that now when I see my parents they rush towards me like they always did, but instead of rushing forward to give me a hug, they rush forward to grab Alyssa. And then sometimes, as an after thought, they remember to give me a hug or attention or acknowledge my presence. I love that they get so excited at seeing her, but darn it, I need some love, too!
I've been frustrated lately that the few times I get to hang out with friends, I've had to take Alyssa along. I went out with Chris and Julia for Chris' birthday lunch and it was "table for 4 ~ the horror". Now, this is two fold. Ever since I quit TPG I've felt more and more uncomfortable going out with Chris and Julia. When we were all working together we went out for lunch all the time to complain about work and co-workers, but I think I've gotten to the point 2 years lately where I just can't relate. I felt like they felt awkward because they had to come up with topics that could include me, and I felt awkward when they started talking about work and I just had to sit there. Plus there's the fact that I had to bring along this noisy little tablemate, which I always feel weird about when I'm hanging out with someone who doesn't have kids of their own. I know that both of them adore Alyssa, but I still feel guilty for having to turn "3 amigo time" into "3 amigo + 1 time".
So I've been feeling really lost and struggling lately and all I really wanted was a couple hours away from my kid and away from my house where I could just relax and try to enjoy myself. I was trying to talk Adam into letting me call my parents to see if they would babysit yesterday so we could go out for dinner and a movie. He wasn't going for it, so I dropped it. Then two hours later he got "kidnapped" to go out for a movie because Eric and Chad knew that he could use some time "away". I sobbed. Then I found out that the guys got Adam to go see "The DaVinci Code". The movie that I've wanted to see since I knew that it was being made into a movie. The movie that Adam wouldn't see with me. The movie that Julia said she would see with me, but decided to go see with Brad. See, forgettable.
I knew that he would drag his heals about going out with the guys because he knew how sad I was yesterday and how I've been struggling lately. But I know that he really deserves to go out and have fun, too. He does so much for Alyssa and I, I honestly don't know how I would live without him, and I'm touched that Eric and Chad realize that and wanted to make sure that he lived it up away from the old ball and chain. I know that if I had told him not to go, he would have stayed home. But as much as I realize that I need some time for myself before I lose myself completely, I have a hard time taking it. It’s a lot easier to put everyone else's wants/needs ahead of mine. I guess its my way of hoping that someone will acknowledge how much I do and appreciate me and tell me that I deserve some happiness, too.
I hesitate to actually post this entry because it means that I let my shield down and let people who think I have it all and keep it all together know that I'm far from perfect. I have to admit to my imperfections and irrationality. I've never been able to do that before because I'm too scared that I'm going lose those people I care about most; that I'm going to scare them away. But for some reason this time I feel like I need to share this with my "loyal readers", even though most of them are the ones I want to hide this from the most.
6 comments:
Wow. I'm going through/have gone through so many of these things. Heck, all of these things- similar, if not exact. I don't know if this will help, but you aren't alone.
I can relate completely -- no one ever tells me "Thank You" for anything I do. I think being a teacher half of the time makes it worse. No one ever thanks me at work or at home.
Then I think about the fact that I don't tell my DH "Thank you" for going to work everyday -- I mostly just resent that he gets time away and if he wants to get up from his desk and go to lunch, he can.
I try to remind myself that these early years will only be early years once, and soon I'll be able to do more and have more freedom. I think it's the reality that I still have a couple more years of needing to always be around and be the primary caretaker that is really starting to get to me.
Avery is getting easier to take care of, by anyone, not just DH. But stupid me, I'm about to start all over!
I'm sorry you've been struggling. Just know I'm here to listen and give advice when you ask.
Big hugs!
Thanks girls! I know I'm not alone, but it does help to be reminded that everyone feels like this sometimes. Today is a new day ~ just gotta look forward instead of back.
I am SOOO glad you said all of this, because it is exactly how I feel just about all of the time. NONE of us mothers are perfect (although I completely understand your need to be!) Needing time by yourself is not only natural, it is a necessity. I am ALWAYS here to take Alyssa, at a moments notice. Drop her off whenever you need too! You will feel so much better for it, and she will benefit from a refreshed mommy too. And hey, I will do anything to get some more estrogen around here.
None of us can be perfect. And we shouldn't pretend we are. In fact, it's when we show are weaknesses we give other the oppotunity to relate to us and show compassion to us that we build bonds and relationships.
I'm learning the delicate balance of striving to do my best at being a parent, but not pretending I'm perfect. It's hard.
If I had any wisdom (which I probably don't) I'd advise you to be open with your dh, they often WANT to be supportive and helpful, but aren't mind-readers as much as that would be nice. He needs to know what is going on in your mind so he can help you through things as much as you help him. And, yes, I think a blue ring around the toilet is very helpful. :-)
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