Adam and I were really unsure of what to tell Alyssa about what was going to happen to Joey when we finally made the decision that we were going to have to have her put to sleep. We finally came to the decision that we were just going to kind of avoid the situation all together (way to wuss out, huh?). We hoped that by not talking about it, Alyssa would be young enough that she would quickly forget and move on. Not so. The morning that I took Joey back to the vet after having her home for one last night, Alyssa wanted to go with me. I explained that just Mommy and Joey were going this time. So she asked if she could go with me the next day to visit Joey. Evidently she had gotten accustomed to our daily visits to the vet while Joey was staying there. So I gave her the story I had been practicing in my head. I told her that Joey was still very, very sick and that I was taking her back to the vet so that they could give her some special medicine that would make her go to sleep so that she wouldn't feel so yucky and sick anymore. But I also explained that after she got this special medicine she would stay at the vet and we wouldn't see her again. She seemed to accept the explanation and blew lots and lots of kisses to Joey as we were leaving.
The next couple weeks she would tell people from time to time that Joey was at the vet because she was really, really sick. I remember specifically getting a "raised eyebrow" from my inlaws when she relayed the information to them. As much as I hate to say this, I figured Alyssa was young enough that she would quickly forget our sweet Joey, so I just tried to smooth it over as quickly and quietly as possible.
Fast forward 6 weeks. More than enough time, in my mind, for her to forget. She and one of the daycare kids started talking about Joey this morning. Alyssa piped up and said that she was really, really sick and at the vet. Then she asked me when we could go visit her or when she was coming home. I gently reminded her of the "story" and then came the heartbreaking response, with big sad eyes and an expression like she was going to burst into sobs, "But, Mommy, I really, really miss her". Me too, sweetie. Me, too.
I feel like I haven't given her closure. That I've left loose ends and I don't know what to do about them. Alyssa doesn't know/understand heaven yet, so I can't use the puppy heaven story. We say prayers and she talks about God, but she doesn't understand all that He entails. I keep trying to make sure that she understands that Joey was extremely sick and that she had to go away to feel better and that because we loved her so much, we let her go, even though it meant that we wouldn't have her at home with us anymore. Maybe its too much for a 3 year old to understand. But I still don't feel like I handled it the right way.
5 comments:
ok - jeff the minister talking here.
kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for. they can handle the truth, and most likely, telling her that joey died would give her some closure.
just tell her that it's ok to miss joey, it's ok to cry.
you may be surprised at how well she takes it.
jeff the friend talking now - i know you are trying to do what you think is best for alyssa. i am sending you a *BIG* hug! good luck with what ever you decide!!!
i hope i didn't come off as saying that i think you handled it the wrong way - i don't think that at all...i empathize with what you are going through....
I agree with Jeff, kids understand and can accept entirely more than we give them credit for. My kids have blown me over with what they've picked up, and what they've figured out for themselves.
That being said- there is no right or wrong answer to things when it comes to parenting. If it helps, my cat died when I was 4. My parents hid it from me, and went so far as to to tell me she ran away. But I knew already, and wasn't surprised at all when my mom let it 'slip' when I was 14 how it really happened (hit by the neighbor's semi truck). But I never felt angry or hurt about them not telling me.
Hugs...I'm so sorry about your dog's passing on. I still remember our family dog fondly, and she was put to sleep when I was 16.
I understand too... I had to tell my nephews what happened when my beloved Cassidy died about 4 years ago. Austin would have been about 3or 4. I told him the truth that she had died and was gone and I missed her. For a long time after he kept reminding me Cassidy was dead, which was hard, but it was his way of dealing with it.
BTW: Explaining divorce to a 4 and 7 year old isn't any fun either!
Wow, its kind of handy have the two "faces" of Jeff in my life. :) Thanks for the input ~ I appreciate it.
Thanks everyone for your words.
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