Sunday, October 16, 2005

I'm paranoid and I have issues

My relationship with Adam's mom has its ups and downs. I thought lately we had been on an upward swing. She took Alyssa and I out for breakfast on Wednesday for Alyssa's birthday and came over to "supervise" me while I made Alyssa's cake. Since she's baked many b-day cakes in her lifetime, I wanted her around to bounce ideas off of. I actually had a really fun afternoon with her. She made the frosting and then entertained Alyssa while I did the actual decorating. We all had lunch together, we chatted, it was quite pleasant. And briefly I felt my guard go down and I sighed a sigh of relief because finally I was experiencing what I had always wanted from my relationship with my mother in law.

Then Alyssa's party happened. And I felt so tense. She made little comments here and there to people that I overheard and I couldn't help but feel like they were derogatory towards me. I've been trying really hard not to immediately look for the negative implication of everything she says like I had in the past lately, but it was really hard yesterday. I don't know if it was because I had so many other things on my mind or if she was just being more vicious yesterday. She seemed so closed off. She really didn't touch/interact with Alyssa more than a minute or two all day, didn't say anything about the decorations or anything to me, and kind of stood off to the side the whole time. I don't know if she felt uncomfortable because of all the other people around or if she was just mad. They left without saying goodbye to me; but I suppose that's my fault. I should have stopped talking/saying goodbye/thanking other people and made a point to go over and give them a hug and thank them. I felt like we took 3 giant steps back yesterday in our relationship. She was really excited about getting this rocking chair for Alyssa, but I guess I said that she wasn't old enough for it or didn't seem enthusiastic enough about it, so she didn't get it for her.

And then . . . here comes my HUGE self esteem issues . . . she was having such a great time talking with my brother in law's girlfriend. The girlfriend that is blonde and about 100 lbs ~ just like my mother in law. And so then all these "I wonder how many times she's disgusted by me because I'm overweight" type thoughts pop up and I start feeling really awful about myself. And then I get upset because I've lost almost 50 lbs and she's never said a thing.

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