We had a bad night last night; who am I kidding, almost every night is a bad night. How did a go from having a sweet little angel who slept 8 hours straight at 2 months old to having this sweet little terror that rarely sleeps more than 3 hours straight?! I know its probably teething, but for pete's sake, pop through already you little buggers! The thing that frustrates me the most is that the bad nights make for bad mornings ~ at least the first part . . .let me explain.
This morning I got up at 6:45 after listening to her cry off and on for at least 30 minutes. This is after approximately 4 hours total of sleep, that's total, not even straight through. So, I'm in a horrible mood. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I feel like I'm walking through a fog. Adam took Alyssa for a few minutes before getting ready for work, which gave me time to pick up and do something around the house, which helped clear my head so that I could be a "good mommy". But as I was picking up I started wondering if I'm cut out for this stay at home mom business. Maybe I'm one of those people that needs to work outside the home. All my life I dreamed of being a sahm and I just assumed that I would be cut out for it, but I started thinking today that maybe I'm not.
I called my mom after fighting with the POS sewing machine that we "share". I knew that she would understand my sewing machine woes. She said something to me along the lines of I seemed to be searching for something more out of life. I have all these projects ~ sewing, painting, heck even scrapbooking that I take on almost as if I'm looking for something to give my life more purpose. Not that taking care of Alyssa isn't purpose ~ she's one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but I just don't feel a sense of accomplishment. She would grow and be raised whether I was around her 24 hours a day or not, wouldn't she?
Although I always pictured myself as the type of stay at home mom who sewed clothes, costumes, etc for my kids, baked cookies and cakes and made fantastic dinners, was always doing a little something to spruce up my house or working on various home decorating projects. So maybe its just me and not that I'm looking for something more out of life. But in this future I imagined having a house that I was proud of. And not that I don't love our house, I do, but there are definitely things that I would change. And I'm in the process of trying to make those changes, but those changes take money. So, part of me thinks that I should get a job to help fund my "dream" . . . Adam shouldn't have to pay for all the things I want to have a nicer home. He's provided a good home and everything Alyssa and I need, so why can't I be happy with that? Because I want more than good. I guess I'm just more materialistic that I want to admit.
I took a quiz the other day "which desperate housewife are you?". I was Lynette . . .but I feel much more like perfectionist Bree . . . as sad as it is, I would love to have her life. Not so much the gay son, the daughter that hates her, and the dead husband, but the beauty, grace, and admiration/amazement of those around her who just can't seem to get it together. Like Lynette. So maybe I'm just a Lynette longing to be a Bree. Things to ponder.
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