Raleigh 2.0

Its after midnight here in North Carolina and I'm wiped out, but can't sleep because I'm feeling guilty and wish I could beam myself home because maybe then I would be able to avoid this horrible panic attack that seems to be bubbling under my surface.  

I'm trying to figure out how to answer the question "How was your trip".  As a whole, from the surface, it was great ... I had a fun time dressing up for Paula and Kirk's Halloween party and getting to meet more family and friends.  I had a wonderful time chatting with Paula in the hot tub afterwards - especially after she shared her theory that she thought a single guy friend of hers was trying to figure out if I was single.  Nice to know that I might still have a little fraction of "it".  This morning we did a beautiful hike through the woods surrounded by fall foliage, fed ducks/geese at the lake, and played with the kids at the park.  After an afternoon nap Paula and I went out with some more of her friends to see a movie and to a nice restaurant for supper.  More hot tubbing tonight and shopping on the docket for tomorrow.  Pretty great, right?  

Except I feel awful.   I feel guilty for leaving in general and leaving Adam alone with Alyssa and Joel.  I feel like I don't deserve to have taken this trip or to take time for myself.   I feel sad/guilty that I had the opportunity to read bedtime books, tease, watch TV, chase around, swing with, play with someone else's children and I feel like I can't remember the last time I did that with my own kids.  Its not *really* that bad, but this weekend has made me realize how much I am struggling with my life.  How much I can't handle holding it all together - the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, being a good wife, being a good mother, keep some small bit of my own identity.  I'm the homemaker... that my job.  But Adam is there to co-parent; to be the one to read books, play games, cuddle with the kids, so while I'm desperately trying to keep my head above water, the "fun chores" get passed on to him.

But I digress ...  the voice in the back of my head is reminding me that "everyone" says that I'll be a better mommy/wife for getting away.  That its good for Adam, Alyssa, and Joel to be on their own without me because they'll appreciate me more and realize that they can survive without me (at least for a couple days).  The voice is encouraged by the memories of everyone I shared my weekend plans with saying some version of "good for you!"  Well, maybe not everyone.  Just when I started feeling okay ~ feeling like Christi - not mommy, not hon, not Miss Christi, just Christi again, I heard another voice.  The voice of one of the people I love most in the world.  A voice across a phone line that was struggling and it makes my heart hurt.  And then comes the guilt.  The "what the hell are you doing - you don't deserve this,  You are a selfish, selfish person and you are just running away from your responsibilities.  Grow up.  Be a better person.  Think about other people."  

Leave it to me to screw up a weekend away by making it make me feel worse than I did before I left.

*I wrote this late Sunday night/early Monday morning, but couldn't get in to blogger from Paula's computer, so hence the wacked out time line if you notice that kind of stuff. *