**disclaimer, I wrote this Friday night and saved it, unpublished. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share it with the blogging world.
My wall almost broke today. The wall that I've had up since Monday, February 6th @ 11:31am when I stood next to our gate in the Orlando airport listening to the message that your dad left on my cell phone to call him. As I was listening, my call waiting beeped and I looked down to see that Brandy was calling me. I instantly knew, in that moment, that this was one of THOSE moments. One of those moments that would change my life forever. Never did I dream that the next few words I would hear that you were gone. That might have been the very last thing I ever would have expected to hear. I've kept that wall up so far. Because I don't think I have the strength to cope with the reality if that wall comes down.
While my kids have rest time, Tracy plays music. Its always just a random jumble of Disney songs, lullabies, etc. Today "You Are My Sunshine" came on. Until I was probably 17 or 18, I would immediately think of your Grandpa and my Grandma Nelsen. I remember my dad and grandma singing it to me when I was little. They probably sang it to your mom, too, because I know she sang it to you almost every night of your life. Even when you were in junior high and on a sleepover, you called home to have your mom sing to you. Whether you really "needed" to have her sing it to you so that you could go to sleep or if you were just being a typical pre-teen messing around with your mom, putting her on speakerphone so that your friends could hear, I'll never know. But I know your mom wouldn't care, you were her Sunshine and she would sing to you any time, any where. Because she loved you.
When I heard the familiar words, I reflexively started singing along in my mind. But then, when I realized what I was singing, what the song was, what it reminded me of, I had to stop. To put up my guard. To distract myself. To not think. To avoid thinking the words that would make me believe. I don't want to believe. I can't believe. Not yet. Part of me thinks that maybe I won't ever believe. I'll convince myself that you're too busy to talk, too busy to visit, that you don't care, that you don't need me. The way I've felt for the last few years. Its easier that way. Because there's still the potential of getting MY Anna Beth back. The small chance that you'll come to your senses and realize that you need me. That you want me to be part of your life. That I'll get back the Anna Beth that adored her Aunt Christi, the Anna Beth that Aunt Christi adored back. I lost that little girl a long time ago. But there was still hope. Hope that someday, she would come back around. Someday we would find our way back to each other. I NEED that hope. I'm not ready to give that hope up.
Regardless of the state of my wall, regardless of how you felt about me over the years, regardless of what I did or said, I loved you. And I love you still.